Most of the time, men don’t have a hard time getting in the mood for sex, whereas for women, sometimes it’s less like flipping on a switch and more like heating up an oven … a nineteenth century oven … with wood that’s soaking wet. The good news is that getting in the mood isn’t purely a matter of physiology but extends into the realm of psychology. We have the power to think our way into not only wanting sex but making sex more enjoyable.
Again, for men, this usually isn’t a problem. Thoughts about female contours, past experiences, future longings, and the sights, sounds, and feelings of sex are often enough to turn on the male machine. In fact, sometimes even reading an article like this is all it takes. For most women, thinking of a male body or sexual intercourse won’t be as effective. For one, women are less prone to be visually stimulated by the opposite sex. For two, as female arousal usually takes longer, thinking about sex may bring recollections of the effort it takes to accommodate a woman’s fully stimulated husband while she’s barely feeling anything, or the athletic investment certain positions require of her in order to achieve an orgasm, or the soreness she may feel when intercourse takes too long. Sadly, sex (or at least certain parts of sex) is often a chore for women, so thinking about it isn’t exactly going to help. In fact, anticipating such unpleasant events may make it harder for women to get in the mood.
None of this is to suggest that women can’t mentally train themselves to get in the mood for sex. In fact, doing so may be crucial for transforming sex from a chore that may or may not come with a pay-off to a sensational experience from the get-go. If you’re a woman, the trick is to realize your fundamental differences from your husband and to celebrate them. While thinking about sex alone may not turn you on, thinking about a romantic getaway on a yacht in your husband’s arms might. While the thought of a male body may not be enough to titillate your imagination, the thought of being seduced by a dashing man in black might do the trick. Of course, these examples may be totally different from what moistens your panties, so search your own vaults of desire and see what you can come up with. It may start wit an abstract image or idea, but write it down and flesh it out. Tell your husband about it. See if, together, you can’t cultivate the art of not only fantasizing but realizing your fantasies.