You can read as many books and articles on the subject as you want. You can buy games, toys, perfume, lingerie, bedroom accessories, and even pay for counseling, but no matter how many great ideas you take in or try, if you and your spouse aren’t genuinely communicating with each other, you’re not getting anywhere. Think about what sex is: opposite genders of a species come together and form a bond through which life is created, and through so doing experience profound bliss. It’s the crowning bond that pulls the human family and the animal kingdom together. Sexuality, by definition, requires two participants. But if only one participant is experiencing pleasure and fulfillment, we might as well call it asexuality.
To openly talk with our spouses not only about the broad subject of sex but about our personal desires, insecurities, and feelings can make us feel vulnerable. The thought of putting aside facades and communicating what we actually feel can be so daunting that we may fall into the temptation of burying our feelings and simply enduring intimacy instead of enjoying it. I’ve been amazed at how many times I thought my wife and I were on the same page, only to find out months (or years) later that she had baggage that was preventing her from enjoying sex to the same degree that I was. And this was after having held many open and somewhat comprehensive discussions about sex. The fact I’ve learned is that a discussion here and there isn’t good enough. It needs to be an ongoing discussion. You need to always be rediscovering what your spouse likes and doesn’t like, because such preferences aren’t absolutes but changing variables that mature as people mature.
Though, if you haven’t done so before, having an candid discussion about sex may seem daunting, the returns will be well worth it. Think of freedom of and power that would come from knowing exactly how to please your spouse and knowing that they know how best to please you. Don’t settle for a one-sided counterfeit to true intimacy. In every way, it’s time to truly become one with your spouse.